Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
