I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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