Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
