Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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