Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He shit in the fireplace
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
