My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
