if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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