no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
