there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
