But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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