She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
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