Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
