I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
