We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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