You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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