I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
