What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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