Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
