I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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