either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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