i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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