Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
