So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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