dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
