I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
