Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
