I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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