Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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