so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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