Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
