today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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