I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
