I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
