What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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