I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
