i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
