So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
