i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
