At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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