theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
