don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
