fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
