my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
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