my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
