I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
