so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
