i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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