is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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