Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
