MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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