We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
