Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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