i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
