You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
