everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
