Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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