the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
my shit smells like andre
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
