You kept calling me your small dog last night.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
